Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Ever since I bought this book and started reading it last night, I haven't been able to put it down except to sleep or when I'm busy. It's very eye-opening and validating, it sees the things you have seen that your mom lacks that your healthy friends or partner's mom seems to have, that loving, nurturing, kind and encouraging way of leading her children. It's especially comforting to know you aren't the crazy one. Your mom is deflecting because that's all she knows how to do, she doesn't want to think that she failed as a mother, and it takes her a long time or maybe never to finally confront the truth of how bad you and or your siblings' childhood was. I especially relate to the part that talks about when you try to talk about your feelings or childhood, she blames you and says, "What you do and say have hurt me" "You're going to have a daughter exactly like you and you'll get it" or the whole "I'm sorry I'm a terrible mother, I should have never been born" and cries or walks or drives away from you to escape. Those who had an emotionally absent or smothering mother, read this book and heal in 2026!

Disclaimer: this is an incredibly long review, because I have found this book to be a breakthrough for me DESPITE NOT HAVING A NARCASSISTIC MOTHER. I found working through this book irreplaceable to healing as the child of a broken, abusive home; broken extended family; broken community; and, broken communist state. I'm hoping this review will help women whose mothers did the best they could, but were too broken to love their child unconditionally. A frame of reference: The "Ever Be Good Enough" title resonated with me to my core. My self-esteem issues began when I was about 7, to be followed later with perfectionist tendencies, anxiety, a lack of self-compassion, and a really unhealthy internal voice. My housemate left this book out and I immediately identified with the lack of emotional intimacy from my mom and others (dad, stepdad, grandma), my mom's inconsistent behavior, her occasional inability to protect me from harm, her desire to parade me around her friends, the family secrecy, and her inability to express an internal emotional world. However, my mom is not narcissistic: she is open now to talking about her deep feelings, albeit reluctantly as they're painful; she does not try to control me in my adulthood; she loves and is proud of who I am despite it not fitting with her world view, etc. That does not lessen the pain, however, of not getting my needs for unconditional love and protection met as a child. My loving mother's emotional problems stem from PTSD from her seriously abusive home, coupled with unhealthy behaviors derived from an unstable childhood (depressed mother, no food or textiles available making survival vs. intimacy the priority, state quota housing that makes it almost impossible to escape an abusive home, and the community selfishness that is par for the course with extremely limited basic resources). She has done her best to actively love me in the best way she knew how, and I am blessed to be so loved. What she has not been able to give me because of her own brokenness and paradigms, I am working through now. How this book helped: Despite a fantastic counselor that helped me learn so many great strategies to feel worthwhile and think positively, when overwhelming situations occurred, I would quickly lose my footing. McBride's book allowed me to work through my aching hurt and emptiness, guiding me through the past and continuing the healing I have started years ago. It has also informed the confused feeling and contradictory messages I have felt from my mother. The highlight: The first 90 pages where the most valuable, personally, for where I am in my healing. Outlining and describing every aspect of motherly love allowed me to create a specific list of what aspects I hadn't received. Before this book, I had not been able to push through my numbness and forced forgetting. It walked me through examples in a compassionate way, helping me remember. The book then guided me through accepting the loss of unconditional love through different suggested exercises. Applying the book to non-narcissistic mothers: The healing process was very easy to adjust to an emotionally unstable parent by replacing " mother was narcissistic and didn't love me in x way" with "mom was y and didn't love me in x way". I also found it helpful to think of my mother more compassionately--since my mom isn't singularly selfish, there was more truth in this thought for me: "my mom did the best she could with her emotional limitations and upbringing, but she still left holes in my heart. It is time to acknowledge the pain, work through those holes, and move past them. " I would also add that the author recommends not talking to your mom about your pain--McBride points out that narcissistic moms can't empathize with their daughters. This advice didn't apply to my mom who does care deeply about my well being but doesn't handle intense conversations well initially. The next step of my healing will be to learn more about my mom's past, which she has said she is willing to share, to understand her barriers to unconditional love. The ultimate goal of this is to heal my relationship with my mother by gaining unlimited compassion for my mom and unlimited forgiveness. Below is a list of additional books that helped me heal (from most to least relevant): Self-esteem by McKay (A complete self-esteem primer. I'm referring to the book, not the workbook.) The Color of Water by James McBride (unrelated to the author)--biographical tribute to a white, Jewish mom from her mixed, black son. I am neither black, nor Jewish, but really understood, related to, and worked through my own pain of an emotionally limited mother. I used this book to figure out where to go from here after reading McBride (the answer for me is to fill in the remaining gaps in the past and gain a greater understanding of my mother so that I can brim with compassion and forgiveness for her. Psalm 139, "ESV"' lines 1-18 (free if you type what I just did into a search engine) I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings by Maya Angelou (fiction, narcissistic mother; broken daughter) Hullaballoo in The Guava Orchard by Desai (fiction, vaguely related, about self-actualization and indirectly self-compassion. In an abstract way, this book demonstrates how to meet my needs)

Easy to read. Very informative. Easy to relate to the given examples. Great guidance and words of wisdom for recovery of daughters of narcissistic mothers.

A good read if you have this kind of mother, which I do. It was interesting that the author devoted a lot of attention to over-achieving daughters (in other words, daughters like the author, and like many of us who will buy and read this book) and very little to the under-achieving daughters (in other words, daughters who are not like the author). Kind of narcissistic, actually. Perhaps the author has some more work to do on herself. Oh, well, don't we all... The descriptions of various ways in which narcissistic mothers short-change their daughters are illuminating and very telling. I couldn't relate to all of them, but I sure could to some of them. I would have liked to read more about how this kind of mother impacts the relationships of siblings to each other. In my family of six siblings, the result has been that all the sibs are at war with each other, trying through their achievements (or their lies about their achievements) to compete with each other to win something they can never have because it simply doesn't exist: our mother's love. I've chosen to opt out of the battle to gain what doesn't exist, but I've seen how it's damaged the life trajectories of my siblings. It's not pretty. Drug abuse (which caused one brother's early death), constant debt in a struggle to keep up appearances to win my mother's approval, denial, delusion, self-loathing, deceit, psychological manipulation, greed...it's awful to watch, so I pretty much don't anymore. I live 500 miles away from my biological family and haven't seen any of them in years. I've formed much more enjoyable, healthy, sane, nourishing and just plain fun relationships with people to whom I'm not related by birth. What the book does cover, though, it does a pretty good job on. Reading this reinforced a lot of what I already had figured out on my own, but it's immensely gratifying to read it in a book that is thoughtful, reasonable, even-handed and non-hysterical, and that offers strategies for dealing with the pain and damage that comes along with having a narcissistic mother (and a fairly passive father). I'm glad I bought it. I don't think it's a substitute for therapy if the pain and damage are deep-seated and impeding a person's ability to function well, but it's both engaging and helpful to read this book. I'm glad I bought it. I'll probably re-read it from time to time to remind myself of why I no longer spend the holidays with my biological family. We can all use a pep-talk now and then, I suppose. I know I can. Especially when the holidays roll around and I'm bombarded with propaganda about how I'm supposed to go "home for the holidays." Home is where I live. Where my biological family lives is a passive-aggressive battleground, with my narcissistic mother as the ring-master.

This book is great. As somebody who was raised by narcissists and had a year of research about the matter before discovering this book, this book was spot on. It provided me some more insight into the 'abnormal' ways in which I was raised and treated by my parents. When you're somebody who grows up with this situation, and potentially isn't privy to the household dynamics of a 'normal' family, it can be hard to discern what is normal/healthy and what isn't with your family dynamics. Having a book point these things out can be very enlightening and relieving that you're not a crazy person for thinking something has been gravely wrong despite meeting many of the standard metrics of being a well-functioning person (for me, did well in school, graduated college, six figure job after graduation), so I struggled with feeling it to be acceptable to criticize aspects of how I was raised given I've ended up conventionally 'successful'. Furthermore, I will add that I am a man, not a woman, but still found the book to be very applicable. Finally, I have no affiliation w/ this industry in any way, but full spectrum cbd oil has significantly helped with GAD and SAD that stemmed from being born w/ a highly sensitive nervous system, and then being raised by narcs. After realizing I had narc parents, I spent two years working on myself having never tried CBD, and was able to develop a sense of self, boundaries, and figure out who exactly I was. Then I've been in a good spot since that time, weening off caffeine and alc and addictive tech and introducing meditation. Then I was in in even better spot. Then, I decided to try CBD oil since I still found myself sweating profusely in almost all social situations, struggling with social interactions with strangers at work, and realized my sympathetic nervous system was still wildin' out despite my absolute best efforts to change over the course of many years. But then I tried CBD oil and it's essentially eliminated all GAD and SAD and I think I feel 'normal' for the first time ever. Just sharing this because a lot of people who go through this upbringing can probably benefit from similar therapy approaches.

I won't even read the negative remarks listed, this book was outstanding. It was right on the money in describing the dynamics of a narcissistic mother, and the family's relationship and affects on them. I was speechless. I had to purchase my sister a copy of it. This book was a correct representation of narcissistic mother and daughter relationship. In our family growing up, the world revolved around my mother. Everyone was a tool to please her, which was impossible. Every action done that displeased her was an offense to her, and took, and still takes them all personally. No one could steal the lime-light, or upstage her. Jealousy was the norm, or others were jealous of her. The verbal and physical abuse was always kept in the house. Emotional feelings were not discussed, because they were irrelevant to her, unless they were hers, and she was doing the talking. Everyone wanted what she had, or to be who she was. But inside, I knew she really didn't like herself. Being overweight all her life, she resented that I was petite. Once I told her I loved her, and she told me, "No you don't. I only love you because I gave birth to you, but I don't like you." I was 12 years old when she said that. I became the over-achiever as did my sister, but we were never satisfied with out accomplishments. I spent 25 1/2 years in the military as an officer, was wounded, but was medically retired honorably. When people used to thank me for my service, I felt at odds. Getting 'thank you's' and accolades for the things I accomplished never sunk in. If you asked me if I had pride in myself, I wouldn't know how to answer that question. My first marriage was a disaster because I married a copy of her, and everything I did (and I would do it to perfection) was never good enough. There was something always wrong with me. I started having flashbacks to my childhood. I was molested for years by my step-grandfather, and raped when I was six. When I told my mother about it at the age of 14 years old, it became all about her, not about what happened to me. I only told her because she was yelling at me about how ignorant I was, and how people would use me because I was so stupid. When I married, she didn't come to my wedding, and forbid my Dad and younger sister from attending too. Her marriage to my Dad was because she was pregnant and still in high school. So she never had her dream wedding. Every attempt at some accomplishment was an attempt on her part to sabotage. Instead of supporting my dream of going into college, she would tell me I would flunk out because I was too stupid, and that I should just go straight in the military. But, I knew I was better than that. I received my college degree, and was commissioned in the Army as an officer. Being older, beatings, being grounded, or smacked across the face couldn't be done any longer, so her use of passive-aggressive behavior kicked up to high gear. For years, I would hear the voices of negativity always telling me I wasn't good enough, or I was a loser, a bad mother..etc. So I would try harder, do more, and perfect everything. Now I am at peace with myself at the age of 46. I had to separate myself from her to find myself. The power she had over me at one time is no longer there, but she is still the same. I can talk to her now, but I am on guard because I know that anything she does or says, is to benefit herself. I listen to her talk mostly of herself, and my Dad, who left her after all three of their children were out of the house. Because once we were gone, he went from being her co-dependent support, to her target. I have a wonderful relationship with my Dad, just as the book says, and I always had. Yes, I used to ask why he supported her actions, but I knew the answer. There was no need to forgive him because I never blamed him for anything, he was a victim just like the rest of us. I hope others who identify with this book come to find that peace after reading this book, and know it's not their fault, and they are not responsible for anyone but themselves. By the way; sorry this is so long.

I have had problems with my mother since my early teen years and I was raised that my feelings or opinions had to be in alignment with my mothers or they were wrong and incorrect and not respected. This doesn’t create a very strong and confident woman lol. So needless to say, I have been in a struggling match with my mother for the past 10+ years. I was hesitant to read this book because I was scared I was being ‘mean’ to mom for considering her a narcissist. But the more I read the more I realized how spot on it was. And the more I felt like I WASNT CRAZY. This book was incredible. It explains different types of narcissistic mothers and provides tons of examples. It lays out a great recovery plan on healing from the pain you experienced and how to step into who YOU are, not who your mother wants you to be. She talks you through the grieving process, acceptance, self discovery, different types of relationships to have with mom (after you complete your recovery), forgiving, and not passing narcissistic traits onto your own children- just to name a few. I took something valuable from EVERY page of this book and it is highlighted like crazy. When I am experiencing triggers or “collapses” I usually turn back to the book for a reminder that I am not a victim. My wounds do not define me. I am responsible for my own actions and emotions. And MINE ALONE, not my mothers. THANK YOU THANK YOU for this book.

I read this book about a year ago, rented from my library’s ebook selection, and it opened my eyes in ways they had never been opened before. I cried so much! I’ve spent a lifetime in therapy, but could never accept that my mother was a covert narcissist. Seeing myself described in this book was what finally led me to acceptance. I felt so seen and validated in things I’ve been thinking and feeling my whole life. I decided to buy my own physical copy so I could highlight things and refer back to it in times of turmoil with my mother. I still have a lot of healing to do, but if you have been led to this book either by recommendation or because you are seeking something, please give it a try. It is not a super long read, but it’s intense, so you will need to take your time. Even though I’ve gained a lot of peace and understanding, the work will continue for a lifetime. This book is a great starting point, though. A year after reading it I am in a totally new place with how I view and interact with my mother.