Not Under My Roof: Parents, Teens, and the Culture of Sex

Prof. Schalet's book may be the most useful scholarly work ever written about adolescent sexuality. Her comparison of how parents and society deal with teens and sex in Holland and the United States is all the more significant since both societies have been strongly influenced by Calvinist Protestantism and both cultures prize social equality, individuality, and autonomy.As Schalet explains, Dutch society has developed a template for "normal" and healthy adolescent sexual development that fosters emotionally committed relationships under parents' and adults' watchful gaze. Although she is scrupulously fair in admitting its imperfections, Schalet shows that this template leads to clearly superior health outcomes, since Dutch teens have much lower rates of unintended pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases, and abortions than do American teens. By contrast, American teenage sexuality is a battleground pitting girls against boys, parents against children, and ungovernable adolescent peer groups against ineffectually authoritarian adult laws and norms. Few of the participants on the American scene seem particularly happy with the way things are. This is where Amy Schalet's book is so valuable: she shows that things could be otherwise.As a piece of scholarship, this book is of sterling quality: it recognizes and respects the cultural and institutional forces at work in each country's approach to adolescent sexuality. Schalet demonstrates that culture shapes behavior and experience powerfully, but that cultural change is also possible: the Dutch approach to sexuality is a recent, post-1960s innovation.The American parents, health professionals, educators, and even teens who will benefit most from this book are those with socially liberal impulses who feel that there must be a better way, but are not entirely sure what a realistic alternative to the status quo might be. For these people, Schalet shows a way forward that is neither the current prohibitionist culture nor a completely permissive libertarian mirror image of the status quo. Her book holds out the possibility of a more humane, mutually respectful, and healthy adolescent experience of sexuality.Staunch social conservatives who read this book will probably come away unconvinced, believing that American adolescents are somehow intrinsically less self-disciplined than their European counterparts. (How is it that "socialism" teaches self-control so effectively?) Or they may believe that making teens "pay for their sins" is morally or religiously appropriate.But for American readers who want a more compassionate--and demonstrably effective--approach to helping adolescents learn about love and sex, Schalet's book is indispensable. The more widely this book is read, the better the prospects for improving our children's lives, home by home and community by community.

I was looking for a more secular discussion of different cultural approaches to this issue, because I have a soon to be teenager. I am a well educated white middle class mother, living in New York City. I do not really cleave to any religious dogma, and I liked the concept that teen sexuality should be normalized, but I was annoyed that the author kept characterizing the American approach as "dramatizing" it with such phrases as "raging hormones". It had not really occurred to me that I would forbid my son to have his girlfriend overnight, but this book did bring up some interesting aspects of this possibility that I had not considered. For this, I found the book informative. However, it was very academic. As a former almost academic, to me that means that the arguement is presented and re-presented repetitively. I know that this is part of the academic structure, and so when I figured that out, I got what I needed to out of the book, skipped to the conclusion and felt satisfied. Other less lazy or more engaged readers / parents may want to slog through the arguement in it's entirety, but I did not feel the need to do so.

Interesting book but overall not a very exciting read. Interesting perspective if you are interested inhuman sexuality.

What a smart book and an excellent topic. My teenager started to describe the hook-up culture at her high school. I wanted some resources to think more about how to talk to her, figure out to articulate my gut instincts and just get a broader range of thoughts about teenage sexuality. Though academic, this is not a difficult read and viewing teenage sexuality and parent/teen relationships as they are approached cross-culturally is enlightening. I am 125 pages in now and, reading this book along with 'Girls and Sex', by husband an I feel like we are ready for the next round of conversations with our 15 and 17 year olds. We lean more towards the approach taken by many of the Dutch parents but it would be wonderful if people not inclined to thinking about another way to view teen sexuality would be open enough to read and consider.

I think this should be required reading for anyone raising a teenager. If my brother-in-law had read this, perhaps his daughter would not be living with me instead of him right now.Believe it or not, sex is a healthy part of relationships. Will I let my daughter have her boyfriend over for the night when she is 16? Absolutely, as long as they have shown they are going about the relationship in a mature manner. Would I rather her get caught having sex in the back of a car in a parking lot? Would I rather her tearfully tell me she is pregnant because she was too scared to ask about birth control?Read it and think. Of course not everyone will agree, but it will give you a different perspective.

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Hard read but VERY informative. I was enlightened by another country’s beliefs and the outcome of those beliefs.

Excellent

Fantastic book recommended for parents of teen girls especially. Changed my viewpoint entirely and as a result has given me a very open dialogue with my daughter.

If you're interested in understanding the importance of sex education or how it should be imparted, this book might be for you.